The number one threat to America, and the world, right now are plastic straws. Everybody knows this.
The plastic straws are catastrophic. Especially the extendable, bendy straws. They're the worst, because they're fun and they make people want to use a straw, even if it's not technically necessary to use one.
RELATED: Starbucks is learning the hard way what liberal outrage really means
You use a plastic straw one time, then throw it away. And every single discarded straw in America ends up in the ocean. It's part of the Republican Party platform to ensure all the straws are dumped directly into the ocean, along with plastic bags and those plastic six-pack ring thingies, because Republicans hate nature. Everybody knows this.
So, the plastic straws end up forming giant straw masses the size of icebergs that float around the ocean, menacing small islands, boating enthusiasts, and even nuclear submarines. Don't ask me how, but trust me, they do. These plastic straw icebergs are large enough to be seen from space. Astronauts have been known to mistake floating straw icebergs for Hawaii.
And don't forget the aquatic life that is going extinct because of plastic straws. It's strawmageddon out there. Dolphins are being decimated by the straws clogging their blowholes. Octopuses can't squirt ink because their orifices are all blocked by straws. Discovery Channel is even canceling Shark Week because the sharks all have tummy aches, from you guessed it, eating plastic straws. Because there are no more fish to eat. Because they're all dying. From straws. Everybody knows this.
And don't forget the aquatic life that is going extinct because of plastic straws. It's strawmageddon out there.
Since Americans use 500 million plastic straws per day, and Republicans probably use more than that, it's clear that we're all about to die. Five hundred million straws per day is a big number, and virtually every major media outlet has cited that stat as fact. But then, NPR, of all sources, did some digging.
And it turns out that 500 million figure came from a young environmentalist named Milo Cress in a report he wrote seven years ago… when he was in the fourth grade. He couldn't find any stats on how many straws are used each day in the U.S., so he called straw manufacturers around the country and came up with his 500 million estimate based on the numbers they gave him.
Major companies like Starbucks routinely make multi-million-dollar decisions — like their decision to ban plastic straws — based on research data from fourth graders. Everybody knows this.
