Dear New York Times,
Karl Marx here. Thank you for the new article wishing me a happy birthday. I have to say, though, in the 135 years I’ve spent boiling in the bowels of hell — Michel Foucault and Saul Alinsky send their regards — I cannot accept the accolades you’ve provided.
While the piece is fairly well-written, it also contains weird tangents and a fanboy approach, especially considering the death toll of my “philosophy” has accrued roughly 150 million. It’s actually far more than that — believe me, I’ve talked to Mao and Stalin about it, those guys are crazy.
And let’s talk about the title. “Happy Birthday, Karl Marx. You Were Right!” The inclusion of an exclamation mark is a bit much, no? What happened to the old New York Times, which was respectful? You emerged from the early days of penny press and fostered an impressive career — I saw it all, we denizens of hell absolutely adore the divisive tactics and unabashed elitism you’ve developed over the years! Lucifer himself loves reading your hateful Trump articles, on account of all the money he’s helped you make and all.
Let’s talk about the author, Mr. Jason Barker, an English-born associate professor of philosophy at a university in South Korea. First off, he has done wonderful work keeping my work relevant with his expertise in “Post-Marxism.”
And all that time I spent worrying that capitalism had ruined it for me! Well, not me, I actually loved capitalism privately, because it’s what allowed me to be a lifelong freeloader and about ideas like “Haves” and “Have Nots” — can you believe people actually believe that stuff?!
I did not like Mr. Barker’s “alternative history” novel, Marx Returns, which pretends to watch my process during the composition of Das Kapital, my screed against capitalism just slightly more subtle than The Communist Manifesto. Boy, I had a great laugh with those. I lost count of how many cigars and bottles of expensive wine I had while writing those two. Good times.
Most importantly, I would like to thank you, New York Times, for so shamelessly selling your soul on my behalf. I only hope you have a long-term plan, because, I can tell you personally, the whole communist thing doesn’t end well.
This article was originally published on GlennBeck.com.